by Marlena Elias
February 12, 2001

My father had some "rules to live by" and stories that would curl the average person's hair. I want to share both the peccadilloes and the amazing stories.

I had awakened one morning at 2:00 am and I was blowing my nose because my allergies were just awful. I was careful to blow one side of my nose then the other. My father was adamant that you clear one sinus cavity then the other, but never both at the same time. Blowing both sides at once could release brain matter, he said. Actually, it stops you from getting more congested. So it was this particular anecdote that got me thinking of all the other "Dad-isms".

Dad had a particular philosophy about driving. When on a major expressway, Dad felt it was important to stay in the middle lane, to "keep your options open". As he got older and I was doing more driving, he expected me to follow his sage advice. He would mention the middle lane option EVERY TIME WE TOOK A ROAD TRIP. When I would inevitably drift off to the right or left lanes he would start to make noises only my father could make. It was a cross between humming and umming, and it was always very quiet so as not to disturb my driving, but loud enough to let me know there was a problem. Then if I didn't move back into the middle, I needed to provide an explanation.

Terrible sinus problems run in our family and Dad was the Maestro of sinus problems. You could hear him blowing his nose a mile away. After hearing my ex-husband rave about "breathe rights", Dad tried one and could not get over the benefits of using this product to aid his sleep. He no longer woke up drowning in sinus drainage! Unfortunately the down side of this product was the cost. So Dad went to the local grocery store and purchased generic bandages to try for his nasal experiment. WELL, he was wildly successful! He was so pleased with himself that he was able to have the same benefit of the expensive product, but at a much more reasonable price. Occasionally, Dad would run across a "two for one" sale and end up with 600 bandages! It was always the little victories that made Dad happy.

Dad and I had breakfast together every Sunday. He had his routine; if he didn't have an apricot Danish, then he would have a Belgian Waffle. Dad was notorious for eating fast. No talking, just eating. A common complaint I would share with him on our Sunday breakfasts was that he would take HUGE bites of his food and nearly choke. On this one particular Sunday Dad went for the waffle. The waffle arrives; Dad douses it with syrup and proceeds to cut the waffle into quarters and then eights. Then with a huge grin on his face proceeds to eat these large quadrants of waffle just to get my goat. When I comment on the enormous waffle section he's about to stuff into his mouth, he fell onto the floor laughing. He thought he was being riotously funny, I just thought he's being Dad.

Dad discovered early on that he had a problem with foot odor. Not only did his feet smell, but he would wear out his socks from the sweat! Some relative told him that if he soaked his feet in a solution of 50% formaldehyde and 50% water, his odor problems would go away. So Dad soaked his feet in this witches' brew, and his skin turned black then peeled off. Until the day he died never had smelly feet again! And bless his heart, he was still wearing the same Gold Toe socks that he had purchased 20 years earlier because his feet were so pure. Dad had suggested to a friend of his who had the same complaint to try this solution of formaldehyde and water. So this gentleman goes off and gets the formaldehyde, adds water to it and soaks his feet. Well, his feet turned black, but they still smelled. Dad's response to the lack of odor removal was, "they don't make formaldehyde like they used to." The poor bastard that took Dad's advice remained friends with him. Now THAT is friendship!

One of Dad's favorite stories would have to be the chickpea and the cabbage poultice. Apparently Dad had gotten an infection in his leg mid-calf. Gido, Dad's Dad, took one look at it and said "let me fix this for you!" Gido took a hot poker out of the fire to cauterize the infection, and then put one chickpea in the wound and covered it with cabbage. Dad was to change the dressing of cabbage every day. After two weeks of stinking like cabbage and rotting flesh, Dad decided he would go the hospital and see if there could be something wrong. The Doctor took once look at the mess on his leg and screamed! He called for every antiseptic in the hospital and started to liberally pour these solutions into the gaping hole in Dad's leg. The concern was for the infection, not the excruciating pain that the antiseptics were causing Dad. Apparently Gido's remedy didn't work and the Doctor was shocked and amazed that Dad didn't end up losing his leg. Once the wound healed, Dad ended up with a spot on his leg that looked like the flesh had been scooped out with an ice cream scooper. Dad considered the hole in his leg a badge of honor. Dad loved to tell this story to gross people out.

Imagine that. <EM>