by Marlena Elias
January 13, 2001

There are days when I don't even notice that I don't have a mother. Weeks, months, almost years go by when I don't feel this ache in my soul. Today unfortunately, I was hit square in my heart with so much sorrow that I found it hard to move. The reason why is not as important as looking at the sorrow itself.

My mother died when I was twelve. I was at the point in puberty when a mother and daughter turn into natural enemies. Mom and I were well on our way, until she died. My emotional growth was stopped cold. I've always felt this emptiness and a certain longing for some one to fill her spot. No matter how old I get, I'm still amazed at the pain I still feel.

I've always been the emotional one in my family. Everyone does a pretty good job of holding in their feelings whereas I put them right out there for the world to see. It's been twenty-six years since my mom died and I still feel the pain. I wonder if the feelings of sorrow ever go away. As I sit here writing, I think of all my friends that still have both of their parents and I am jealous. I envy them. I hurt because I know they take for granted what I've been missing for so many years.

Maybe the pain goes away, maybe it doesn't. Maybe you're supposed to ache with all your heart over the woman that brought you into this world. Maybe I'll never have an answer to this question that is so deeply entrenched in my soul. All I know is that I'm 38 years old and I miss my mother.

When mom died, it was three years after my sister Mary died. My mother's heart was broken and she never recovered from the loss. So even though my mom wasn't in her right state of mind, I know she loved me like no-one else could. I think it's that kind of love that I miss. The unconditional love that only a mother can give a child. The selfless love that most children don't notice or appreciate. I see my nephews and my niece and I know they don't have a clue. They will go through life not understanding how wonderful their parents are, especially their mothers. They won't understand the sacrifices that were made so they could have everything. Both of my sisters have made tremendous sacrifices for their boys. I hope some day they understand how truly lucky they are.

Even my brothers and sisters don't understand my point of reference. What has always been viewed as being a suck-up is really just my desperate need for a mother's love. Throughout my life I have looked for replacements without any luck. It is only recently with all the love that Ethan has given me, that the ache isn't so noticeable. It is only with the love I have allowed to give myself that the ache isn't so strong. Still I have my moments when it would be nice to have a mother tell me I am truly a good person or that she is proud of me. I think that's what I miss the most, is not having my mother confirm that I am worthy of love. I miss not having some one tell me I have made the right choices and I've done great job with my life.

As much as I want to believe that I'm past the point of needing to be validated by my parents, the need is still there. I think it's more normal than I allow it to be. I keep trying to tell myself this need makes me weak and flawed, but I think what it makes me is normal. I never got to go through the normal stages of emotional development with my mom. Even if she lived there was a good chance I still would not have had the privilege to the rite of passage. I will never know if that could have happened for me. All I know is that I still sit here wanting my mother to tell me she loves me and she' s proud of me. I don't know if the pain, the sorrow, the unfairness, the ache will ever leave me. All I know is how I feel. <EM>