by Marlena Elias
June 24, 2000

So here it is, another Father's Day without Dad. On Sunday June 17, I started looking at pictures; not really looking for anything in particular, just looking. I found pictures of a pine tree holding the remnants of one of Dad's cigars at the Condo in Lake Tahoe. Two pictures actually; Dad had extinguished the flame so there was no fire hazard and thought he was pretty funny throwing the carcasses into the trees. In fact, I think he brought everyone onto the balcony to show them his work.

There was a collection of Dad pictures with all the family at my old house in Westmont. He must have been happy because he sat through at least 20 different poses. The pictures captured the joy of the moment. One of the funnier pictures to look back on was Dad with the in-laws - three out of the four aren't around anymore!

All I can hope is that Dad is happy all the time now. No Lorene to nag him. No more pills to regulate his body. No more questions about his parents, his brothers and sisters, his wife and his children. My hope is that they are all together enjoying the view - whatever it is. Wherever that is. Now there is no question in my mind that Dad is in heaven. HOWEVER, his brother Joe and his sister Effie are another story! Joe was not a nice person and Effie was just plain mean. It never mattered to Dad, he loved them all fiercely.

As I continued looking through this pile of memories, I had found a picture of me and Aunt Mary at Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas. Aunt Mary was still sharp and was feeling pretty good at the time. She hated the place where we had dinner; just like Dad: make it simple. Dinner was too expensive and the food wasn't that good. I could have just died. The only good thing about the restaurant was, they took a picture of us at the table. So I'll always have that picture to remember the moment with her. Remember how much she hated the experience. After that trip to Vegas, her health started to go downhill and she ended up in a nursing home. Dad would visit her every week and calculate the mileage! Yes I get my obsession with gasoline from my Father.

I can imagine Dad and Aunt Mary are so happy to be together. Dad won't have to worry about his car and Aunt Mary will have the strength to cook for him. Dad can also visit with Aunt Mary and not have any other "relatives" around to ruin the moment. They must be having a great time.

As much as I miss my Father and think about him daily. I'm happy for him. He's found some peace. As much as tears were in my eyes on Sunday, I'm happy for Dad. I'm happy for Mom and Mary and Pauly too. Whatever happens after we die, I hope the end result is that we all get to be together without the residue of our youth. Without the sibling rivalries, without the neediness, without the pain. I want to believe that we all get what we needed and couldn't have when we were alive.

One of the last road trips I took with Dad was to Indianapolis for Matthew's 5th birthday. On the trip back Dad shared with me that he did not think there was a God. He also had no idea what happens after we die. To be sure, this was an astonishing moment, but I had to disagree with him. I think heaven is what we think it is. My heaven is going to be filled with the people I love and miss terribly. My heaven is going to be without any needs or wants, without any trauma or pain. Dad wanted to believe my fantasy heaven, but he wasn't convinced. I had no idea that would be our last trip together to Indianapolis or anywhere else for that matter.

When I look at those pictures from the last trip to Indianapolis, Dad looked terrible. No-one wanted to admit that his health was failing. I think we all wanted to believe that Dad would keep the promise he made yearly on his birthday of living another 19 years. I know I wanted to believe it.

I'm hoping that Dad got answers to his questions and that he was pleasantly surprised. Who knows, maybe in heaven Dad actually likes dogs?! Maybe Dad and Eddie are bonding? Maybe Princess is sitting next to him and he's not flying off his chair? Maybe Dad is flattered that Magic's AKC name is Larry's Legacy. Naaaaaaaah...that would be hell for him and the dogs too!!!

Peace Dad. <EM>