by Ethan Johnson
April 1, 2002
OK, this installment of At the Movies is moldy oldy, and crusty beyond redemption. Yes, we've just been renting from Lack, I mean, Blockbuster, and not going out. We soooo need to get out, as you shall soon see.
Moulin Rouge: OK, it's like this. I put in the DVD. We watched all of 5 minutes. I pressed Menu. I pressed Chapter Selections. I found a spot that featured Nicole Kidman singing. We watched 5 more minutes. I pressed eject. I put in Swordfish.
If you have a differing experience than this, a) good for you and b) don't write to us to explain it.
Swordfish: OK, so "better than Moulin Rouge" isn't necessarily the best thing you should be able to say about a movie. In contrast to MR (I'm getting lazy) we found it more interesting from the get-go, and the terrorist angle probably added another dimension to the flick that didn't exist on September 10.
However, a few months after seeing it, I'm still wondering what the movie was trying to be about. Terrorism? Hacking? John Travolta with a ridiculous goatee-thing going on? Halle Berre's bare breasts (hard to unring that bell when she was accepting the Oscar recently)? Hugh Jackman not being Wolverine?
It got the MR icky taste out of our mouths (hey now), but little more. 2 stars.
Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back: Cue Beavis & Butt-Head laugh here. Repeat throughout flick.
Look, we looooved Dogma. As previously stated somewhere, Jason Lee is like a God to me, therefore Mallrats and yes, even Mumford as a result of his presence became tolerable to the last reel. But the "Askewniverse" thing is getting tired, man. There's only so much of Ben Affleck & Matt Damon making inside jokes that you can take after awhile, then you want to prod Kevin Smith into taking out an ad and maybe meeting some new friends for cry-yi.
Before Kevin Smith and Jay Phat Buds come over here to "kick my ass", let me at least make the trip worth it and snap my fingers in Kevin Smith's face and say, Clerks was NOT all that!"
On the up side, it had some moments, really & truly. Nice to see some people getting work that prior to this flick were probably getting sewer grating marks on the sides of their faces.
(Can't you tell I had oral surgery recently and it's making me a bit cranky?)
Tough. 2 stars. Geddoudaheah.
A.I.: My man Mister Cranky said it best about this flick: "This is what happens when the Wicked Witch of the West's kids get raised by the Good Witch of the North." (Full review)
And really, all I can add to his review is that I felt like Spielberg was Mola Ram in Indiana Jones & the Temple of Doom and instead of reaching in and pulling out my heart until it burned to nothingness, he reached in and tried to play dueling banjos with my heartstrings. Here's the deal, Gus, if I know it's coming I will fight you to the last (and get really pissed). That's why The Sixth Sense results in sure-fire choking up versus raging annoyance at being played for a sap for 2 and a half hours.
2 Stars. Good night. <EM>
(Here's hoping this surgery heals soon before an innocent movie gets hurt)
