by Ethan Johnson
October 13, 2006

I was on the fence about reviewing this, but the tiebreaker was the simple fact that the essence of snobbery is to dismiss a wine as "crap" and not explain why. "Just look at it," or a snort and an exaggerated eye-roll may give the issuer a smug sense of superiority, but for real cred, taste the stuff and do hatchet jobs like this one. Ohhh, this isn't going to be pretty. Escort small children and the clergy from the room:

Producer (Vineyard): Pepperwood Grove
Varietal (Grape type): Pinot Noir
Vintage (Year): 2005
Country: USA (California)
Color: Red
Cost: Cheap ($5 USD)

Swirl and Sniff: Rather thin complexion. I thought the edges were brown but it was an illusion. I got a strong whiff of nail polish remover. The wine didn't smell "skunky" or "corked"... then again, that's nearly impossible cork-wise as the stopper was made out of compressed packing foam or something. Very odd.

Taste: Spit-tooey! Someone wrote a snarky one-liner about some Pinot Noir that said, essentially, "Poor Mr. Pinot... they cut out your brain, now all you do is smile." This wine was whatever happened to Mr. Pinot after that, involving a nice, thick pillow while the door guard napped. I tried to hang with this wine in the interests of science, but really, there was nyet redemption to be found. Just the constant wafting of nail polish remover and a nothing, faux wine taste. Ick. Seriously, I'm not a snob, I don't play one on TV, but this was bloody awful.

Pairing: I intended to drink this as a nightcap, as my spider sense told me not to bother going through the ritual of actually pairing this with food. Good call, insofar as any good came of it. The sink hates me.

Rating: When it comes to this wine, I would (and you may):

• Buy three or more bottles for regular enjoyment
• Buy a bottle or two for occasional enjoyment
• Ask for when dining out or at a party
• Settle for if your preferred wine is not available
• Politely decline and never drink again, ever

OK, I have a bit more sympathy for the seemingly petulant French wineries that can't imagine "Chablis" and suchlike can be made anywhere else. Pinot Noir certainly can be grown successfully around the world, plus or minus, but if you want an analogy, it's like the crayon coloring book version of the Mona Lisa. It's not great, it arguably wasn't meant to be, so why not call this "Pinot Merde" or something? Get it away from the sign, man, they'll think we sell that stuff here!

Incredibly disappointing as a wine, but I challenge all of you wine n00bs out there to at least try the "obvious crap" once in awhile to understand what separates the bottom rungs of the ladder from the top. Not often, of course. I'm gonna have nightmares tonight as it is. But seriously, one day you're going to need to speak intelligently about why such-and-such wine is "crap", and you'll need a real-world example. Drink up!

If you do give this a try, please let me know how your experience compared with mine. Thanks! <EM>

(The Totally Unpretentious Wine Reviews Index may be found here.)