by Ethan Johnson
April 21, 2008

Yesterday, Not Manchester United defeated So-Called Brazil 6-1 in a thriller. It happened on our Wii box running PES 2008 (Konami).

Sure, it's not remotely plausible, but hoo whee, it sure felt good.

A selected highlight:

Ball in to Solskjaer. (I call him "Starscream", as in, "you have failed me yet again, Starscream." He misses a lot of gimmes inside the penalty area.)

I didn't realize he retired last year. I'm such a Man U poser.

Right about now the commentator would be shouting "A CHANCE!"

Come on, come on, come on...

Doop, bounces off of the right upright. (See???!!!)

Here comes Not Wayne Rooney!

"He's going for it!"

GOL GOL GOL GOL

Not Rooney gets jumped on by Not Christiano Ronaldo. At this moment, the scoreline reads 4-0 Not Man U over Not Brazil.

The final score. I let in an easy goal because I was too busy thinking about that sweet highlight. Dammit man! Check out those unworldly stats. Yeah, that'd happen if Man U and Brazil squared off for realz.

The Top 8 of the "International League" table after the match. Not Brazil sinks to 8th.

I tossed this screenshot in there to prove that I didn't have the difficulty set for "beginner". I tried the highest difficulty level against Not Real Madrid and went down 0-4 in about 10 game minutes (2 real minutes). Oof. Not ready. Reset!

Whenever possible, I use a modified formation that I call "Indy Colts". Basically, it's all about the front three, who pound shot after shot on goal. Unfortunately, there's about 80 yards of unclaimed (by us) midfield, and then the so-called defense. Not Man U won by maintaining possession in the "attacking third" and therefore keeping big guns like Ronaldo, Robinho, and Ronaldinho off the ball and away from our net. Nyuk nyuk nyuk.

Not only is the midfield gulch a problem tactically, but in practical terms, you can plow through substitutions because the 2 players who have to somehow bridge the gap between the defense and the offense have a lot of turf to sprint up and down. No big deal if your strikers are pounding in the goals. Bad news if your strikers (cough... Giggs... cough) can't find the net with a map.

Yes, I do have a much more midfield-y formation for the really rough teams (FC Barcelona, for one), but like the Colts, success seems to be more assured by running up the score and hoping that the other side can't string together enough offense to compensate. Ya'd think Not Brazil would have more arroz con pollo than Not Man U and be impervious to that stunt, but hey, a win is a win is a win. Even a fake win.

I watched Real Man U this weekend with great interest, and was amazed at how closely the game play in PES 2008 resembles the actual team. Even the commentators mentioned that (actual) Giggs was under fire from the fans for not being consistent. Their defense is often swiss cheese, and Rooney and Ronaldo carry a huge load on their backs. Sometimes even after a goal. I'm really impressed with PES 2008, and have gained a greater appreciation for Man U/the Premiership/soccer in general. The trick is to put the controller down and do something else.

Nobody made me do this, but if you're looking for an exciting soccer video game, try PES 2008. Perhaps, like me, your family room will echo with cries of "dammit Roon! Come on Starscream! WTF! GET THE BALL!!! WHERE IS THE DEFENSE???!! UGHHHH! THIS IS THE BEST GAME EVER!!!!

You know, just like the real thing. <EM>