by Ethan Johnson
October 22, 2007

Will Truman recently weighed in with his opinion about the latest catalog of worst songs ever. As I opined in his comments section, there are far more bad songs than are dreamt of in this list. Rather than refute/support the list line by line, I'd rather give this my own spin (ha ha) and talk about some other worthy nominees, and why.

In no particular order, although items listed first are clearly "top of mind".

1. Anything by Yoko Ono and the Plastic Ono Band. Which I'm sure was the point.

2. "Watch the Girl Destroy Me" by Possum Dixon. I can't begin to express the sheer road rage that I have about this song, years later. It's not like it gets constant airplay, and if so, I've managed to avoid that radio station. Check these lyrics:

Well let me tell you now, I like the movies and she likes the movies.
We like the movies together.
But when the lights go up and the curtains go down we deal.
And we deal, and we deal again. And we deal...I know it's wrong.

Really, you have to hear the song to appreciate the full inanity. But that would inspire terrorism, so really, don't.

3. "Plush" by the Stone Temple Pilots. I'd almost say "anything by STP" except I think they did a cover of "Dancin' Days", which I'd hope even they couldn't screw up lyrically.

Where ya going for tommorrow?
Where ya going with that mask I found?
And I feel, and I feel
When the dogs begin to smell her
Will she smell alone?

4. "Low Spark of High Heeled Boys" by Traffic. As the old joke goes, the song was produced specifically to give radio DJs time for a long potty break.

5. "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald" by Gordon Lightfoot. Not sure why this rose to "hit" status. I won't trash it as an idea, because obviously the wreck inspired art, I guess. But a hit? Really? I won't beat up on Gordon Lightfoot as a singer, as his voice is very well suited to my own.

6. "Alive" by Pearl Jam. You heard me. This is one of many "I'm so deep, I leave words out my sentences to illusion of depth or something" songs. Because, I mean, yeah. And then he... life goes on. For whatever dumb reason, I am much more forgiving about "I Write Sins Not Tragedies" by Panic! At the Disco, probably because it's not an Eddie Vedder vehicle, it's not the 1990s, and it sounds good musically despite being utterly nonsensical.

7. "I'm So Glad" by Cream. This literally sounds like a good idea, and I put it on a mix CD to listen to in the car. UGH. You're glad! I get it! Is this song really 39 minutes short of complete eternity? (Yes, I realize that it's probably more fun when you're singing and playing it, but we really don't want to invoke masturbation jokes in this article, do we?)

7a. This is the sound of Mar divorcing me, but I have to say it: "I've Seen All Good People" by Yes. Not "Your Move", which is the first, uh, fourth of the song. I'm talking about the never ending rest of the song, which strangely is hugely enjoyable live (even without mood altering drugs) but a small eternity anywhere else. However: If the PA system in hell plays this song on a loop and not Possum Dixon or Plastic Ono, I'll take whatever they're dishing out with a smile.

8. "I Eat Cannibals" by Toto Cuelo. Really, everyone who wants to talk smack about "one hit wonders" needs to play the stuffing out of this classic and get back to me. Toni Basil doesn't seem so bad now, right?

9. "Achy Breaky Heart" by Billy Ray Cyrus. Admit it, you're pissed at me just for making the mere mention of it. No audio, even! Yeah, I hated having to mention it too.

10. Joe Cocker, period. Can NOT stand his performances. Probably a generational thing.

11. Don't even make me mention, in any way, a certain Christmas novelty song from the 1980s. Something about Grandma. Ugh, it makes me nauseous just to say that much. GAAAAAAHHHH.

12. Really, anything in an Apple iPod commercial. I used to like "Walkie Talkie Man" by Steriogram until Apple ruined it. I didn't particularly care for "Vertigo" by U2 as it was, but once that iPod spot was beaten to death, I really need years of therapy to adjust to hearing it ever again (sorry Beth). Leave it to Apple to insist that songs like "You Light Up My Life" inspire silhouetted souls to jump around spastically with mile long dreadlocks. Sure thing. Fortunately, we tend to "mute" our commercial breaks, so this isn't quite the problem I'm making it out to be.

13. "Levolor" by Veruca Salt. Thanks buddies, for making this a hit and encouraging the airplay that it garnered. Bleaaaahhhhh.

14. "Sour Times" by Portishead. Ditto.

15. "Steal My Sunshine" by Len. Or really, by "AKAI sampler" and what sounds like two college kids. This is what Roger Waters foretold many years ago in a print interview when he said that kids "these days" (at the time of the interview) go to the music store, buy a piece of equipment (such as a sampler), and declare that this purchase means they're a band. That has GOT to be the origin story of Len.

16. Marlena's contribution: "Morning Train" by Sheena Easton. "Pretty nauseating," she says.

OK, I'll stop there. What're your "top of mind" stinkers? <EM>