by Ethan Johnson
March 2, 2007
We're inching closer to the day when we buy our first High Definition television (HDTV). The process thus far has been maddening, as there is great disagreement in various circles as to which set represents the best value for the money. I had a random thought this morning: What if we could choose our bodies "off the rack" the way people argue about HDTV?
SFX: Harp music
NonCorporeal in Cleveland: BodGuru, I've narrowed my selection down to the "buxom blonde" or "sports-obsessed himbo" models. What have you heard about these?
BodGuru: They say blondes have more fun. Having tested these models I am inclined 98% to agree, except make sure it's authentic for maximum fun and less fuss, and not loaded with hair dye or silicone (most are - read labels carefully).
Anita Body: I'm leaning towards one of these 6-foot plus models. I like the idea of not needing a step-stool to reach things on the top shelf.
BodGuru: Good luck finding clothes that fit. And beds. And cars.
Dewey Matter: I hear through the ethers that 20/20 vision is the ideal eyesight spec. Are contacts really a hassle? And I hear that "guys don't make passes at women with glasses". Is this true? I'm ready to give up and "just" pick one of those sightless numbers.
BodGuru: While 20/20 would be ideal for most, 37% of the models I have tested looked just fine in glasses, and 58% looked better in contacts compared to glasses. As for sexy glasses models, the "Tina Fey" model is troublesome in that it can be favorably rated as "teh hottie", but most users downplay these attributes in favor of physical comedy and white guilt. Ideally, pick a model that looks fabulous without glasses, but benefits from the perceived aura of "book smarts" that only a pair of glasses can provide. Usually employed by "sexy scientist" models.
In the Air 2Nite: I'm at wit's end. Talk about the curse of choice! On the one hand, I want to be good at sports, so I'm looking closely at "black" models. However I'd like a life of privelege, so a "pasty white" model looks good too. But I'd also like to be good with money, so one of those "Manischewitz" models is probably the way to go. But what about academic skills? Should I look instead at Chinese or Korean models? Help!
BodGuru: ItA2N, you have been influenced by negative stereotypes. Save up and splurge on the Mohinder Suresh body. You'll be glad you did. And you're welcome.
Andrew Genous: I've made my decision, and going with it: I'm getting one of those "Castro District" models. Deal.
BodGuru: Wait, you're choosing to be gay?
Spirit in the Sky: Once and for all, which body type is superior, male or female?
BodGuru: Read Pro-Choice Means Getting to Decide Who to Marry in the January archives, and Getting Patriarchy Down Pat in the April archives for my thoughts.
Lost in the Ozone: All of my friends have physical bodies these days, and I am feeling a lot of peer pressure to join in. But I'm not excited about dieting and exercise. What recommendations can you make to guide me towards a low-maintainance, high performance model?
BodGuru: LitO, every body requires some sort of maintanance, or you won't get the maximum benefits of the unit, and worse, reduced life span. However, I could advise you to become the person who discovers how to dispense perfect bodies in pill form, but frankly, there's a bigger payoff in being the person who employs that person. Choose wisely.
Jess Tatwinkle: Your advice to "Spirit" was uber-misogynistic. How can we trust anything you say when you're clearly being paid off by the Man?
BodGuru: BodGuru speaks in the Third Person, and BodGuru disagrees with your unqualified assessment. BodGuru assumes (correctly) that you are female, as betrayed by your emotional outburst. BodGuru is amused and pities you. BodGuru will let it slide because you're probably hormonal - a big minus with female models, folks. Read more in the March archives. The Ole Ball and Chain is a good start.
Here's to HDTV (someday), and hopefully minimal buyer's remorse. Just in time for March Madness™! <EM>
