by Ethan Johnson
Summer 2004

My last night out. Had to make the most of it:

Gulf Coast Cafe
3191 South Grand Blvd.
St. Louis, MO 63118
(314) 664-3940

We begin with the crab cake appetizer, again:

I hate to say it, but they were lousy. I forced myself to choke them down in hopes that I was just being overly critical, and no, I wasn't. I didn't send them back because I was of the opinion that they were already as good as they were gonna get.

I opted for the Seafood Paella, since Mar wasn't there to stop me:

The whole thing was soaked in something that I can't identify, all I know is that it ruined my dinner, big time. It was either truffle oil gone wrong, or else some kind of liquor that didn't burn off. I ate what I could of the "big ticket" items, such as the shrimp, and I got the hell out of there.

To make matters worse, there was only one server covering the whole place. Bad news all around.

I can't recommend the place. Maybe they kick all kinds of ass any other day, but I really wasn't thrilled. Sorry, Gulf Coast crew, I hope that things do turn around for you.

Absolutli Goosed
3196 S. Grand
St. Louis, MO 63118
(314) 772-0400

Look, can we just say that this place is the shiz-nite and leave it at that?

No?

OK, then here's some hyperbole. I've called off the search for the smoothest drinks in the world, I have found them, and that's final. Sadly, they're in a city where I don't live. I asked the waiter what the best drinks were that they had on their huge, and I mean HUGE, drink menu. I told him I came a long way from Texas, and I wanted to speak with utmost authority about what drinks were da bomb when I harrassed everyone into going there.

He suggested the Rasmopolitan, which yeah, is a wuss drink no matter what, but I ordered the Triple Chocolate Devastation to go with it. To wit:

I immediately whipped out the cell phone and told Mar WE are so going there. She kicked and screamed a lot, until I explained that this drink was so sma-ooth that I nearly drank it like a shot. That. [Farking]. Smooth.

Then the waiter suggested the signature Absolutli Goosed martini, which the menu describes as:

Absolut, Stoli Vanil, Grey Goose L'Orange, Chambord & Cranberry

Now dig the price:

$5.50 (!!!)

This drink was LOADED (see above) but was so silky smooth I nearly pissed myself. I probably would have too, if I went for three (he recommended the "Pussy Galore" if I was so inclined). As it was, I drank down two martini-ish concoctions (one more so than the other) in 15 minutes. OK? I don't drink ANY hard liquor (or mixed drinks) in 15 minutes, let alone two. That. [Blankety-blank]. Smooth.

Can I get an "amen, brother"?

By the way, if you're wondering, the rainbow flag in the window is indicative of being in the "gay" neighborhood, from what I gather. It is not a "gay bar". Not that any of that matters, the bar kicks ass, the drinks RULE, so y'all better recognize. Respect.

2 sheets to the wind, I ambled over to:

Kabob International
3200 S. Grand
St. Louis, MO 63118
(314) 771-3411

(Notice anything about the street addresses on this page?)

I can't rate this restaurant pro or con, as I only went in for some hummus and pita bread. The place is more Persian than anything, which is OK, but I prefer Lebanese when it comes right down to it. The hummus was good, however the pita bread was cold and mashed flat in the basket. But it served its purpose, of absorbing some of the booze so I could drive safely. I'd like to try it again on another visit.

But who cares. Absolutli Goosed, baby! Whooo!! <EM>