by Ethan Johnson
February 25, 2001

Two things, too long to be blog entries, too short to get their own article:

What If: I was wondering what would happen if popular hotels and motels offered "non Bible" rooms. As the majority of the world is non-Christian, isn't it potentially offensive to foist the Bible off on "non-believers", just as the non-smoker finds second-hand smoke unpleasant, if not downright intolerable? I realize that the Bible is usually stashed in a desk or dresser drawer (turndown service usually does not include getting bashed upside the head with it, or hotel staff doesn't read you the story of Jericho at bedtime) and doesn't take up much space, but I wonder why someone (the Gideons?) feels the need to stock hotel rooms with the Bible, at all costs. And, why doesn't any other religious organization push for equal time? We could have a regular Christian Science Reading Room or occult bookstore in our nightstand!

Seriously, I'd be interested in finding out what the outcome would be if [major hotel chain name here] decided to not only have non-smoking rooms, but non-Bible rooms as well. Obviously the Vocal Minority would cry to the heavens (pun intended, why not) and demand a boycott or march in en masse and restock those rooms. But suppose this was done without fanfare. Obviously hotel chains aren't going to run TV spots declaring "we have a clean comfortable room and NO Bible!" But I'm also wondering what would happen if people walked off with the Bible in their hotel room. No, I'm not advocating stealing, blah blah blah, but what if somebody was having a really rough time, decided to read the Bible in their room, got filled with inspiration and enlightenment, and wound up walking off with it without thinking. Does the hotel cleaning staff replace the copy? Is it billed to his credit card? Does an alarm go off at Hotel Bible Supply and a van goes screeching off into the night, rushing to get there before the next guest checks in?

The mind reels.

Rockin' and-a Reelin': Today there were huge wind gusts and I wondered if it was raining sideways. I had been getting out of bed early (!) the last few days, and decided to put the dogs in their crate for a little while and go back to sleep. Just as I was drifting off, I had the final thought about whether it was raining sideways or not, when suddenly, the unthinkable happened.

The tornado sirens sounded. This is a Big Deal. In fact, since I moved down here 2 years ago, I've never heard a single siren go off, testing or otherwise. I figure that they test the sirens on weekdays when I'm securely burrowed into my cublicle at work so I just plain wouldn't hear them. Well, naturally my eyes snapped wide open and I leapt out of bed to see what was happening. You can tell I'm not from around here. While everyone else was hunkering down hoping their roof wasn't about to get peeled off, I'm standing in the back yard thinking "WHAT tornado?". I looked out the front door, and the sirens blew louder. Just as I shut the door, I heard loud talking, almost as if it were on TV, but suddenly muffled when I shut the front door. I opened the door again, and realized that someone (the police?) was playing a loud announcement down our street telling everyone to find shelter. This was the Big One.

I ran to the walk-in closet in the master bedroom, and naturally the tornado has already been there. Like, for the last 2 years. Daily. I threw clothes, shoes, bags, and all kinds of junk out of the way just enough so I could grab the bedspread and 2 pillows and throw them on the closet floor. As I did this, I called Mar in Chicago and told her the news. She couldn't believe it, and hoped that she'd come home to something more than just a concrete slab and my car turned upside-down. I said I'd call back (ever the optimist). I grabbed the dogs and brought them in the closet with me and shut the door.

Now here's the deal with having dogs: THEY are supposed to alert us dumb humans that there's trouble brewing. Instead, they were having the time of their puppy lives getting into new worlds of untold mischief in the piles of crapola that we never bothered to organize. Meanwhile, the only mammal in the room that does NOT have amazingly keen hearing and "something's horribly wrong here" instincts was pulling sentry duty, carefully screening out every sound. I was probably in there five minutes, but it felt like an hour. Finally I decided "screw this" and went back out into the family room. I turned on the Weather Channel, who is my new Most Hated Enemy. What storm? What problem? No warnings, no alert, no interview with the tornado. Nada. TXCN equally let me down. Huh? Tornado Watch? At least the automated doppler radar channel not only had the live storm picture (it was all East of us) but they had the Angry Red Banner telling everyone to grab their ankles. IF there was a tornado, it was apparently following the path of Route 121, which is 2 blocks or so North of our house. Whoops.

Fortunately, we're still with house, the dogs are still buttheads, and Marlena came home to her home sweet home. However she may notice the clean spot on the closet floor. The tornado, real or imagined, at least have some positive impact. <EM>